sean is weird. it’s not that he’s weird so much as that he’s simply this dude who was completely there when i was small, and now he’s also there but it’s different now because people on the internet know who he is. people on the internet don’t know who i am. i kind of like it like that, but i’m not gonna lie i wish i had the attention paid to me that sean does. because baby i wanna be famous. i’m not gonna lie about it. most people probably wanna be great. i just wanna be famously great. i want people to be like, there’s tom, and i’ll be like feigning, ‘heh, i don’t want this,’ but i’ll secretly be curious about whatever person i’ve constructed for public consumption. like, how’s that person doing? i hope okay.
it’s weird. people i know are famous. i’m just kinda like, ‘i remember when you and i lived together and you never did the dishes.’
full disclosure: i’m not talking about sean here
fame is the last thing a bunch of interesting people say they want, but even those of us who aren’t particularly interesting want it. because whatever. we live in a place and in a time where being famous is validating and you’re like maybe i’ll be a footnote one day. because a footnote means a biographer. and who wouldn’t want a biographer?
sean and i said hello and i said, ‘my gosh i don’t know a thing about you’ to myself, and realized that i never will because to be close means to maintain space, and i do neither with sean. so i get the performative sean. which is all any of us ever get with one another. i said this in rehab when john, ‘if you ever discuss any of this outside of this room you’ll be violating hippa and may be subject to termination in the program’ the psychiatrist suggested in group that i was being ‘brave’ by acknowledging the fact that we were all playing roles in rehab. that it was exactly what we were supposed to be on guard for. like ending a sentence in a preposition. which maybe i acknowledged as some meta commentary que sera style, or maybe i was just flattered that someone finally said it, until everyone said it — to wit, ‘you’re so interesting’ — and i was like, ‘fuck omg i created this mess. i am a performance and a caricature of myself.’
which fuck you you are too