anyway. i don’t know. i’m kind of wondering about hitchhiking. just, what if i don’t ever hitchhike across the country? or some stupid shit like that? just, like, banal americana shit that doesn’t involve a house and a white picket fence? and that hopefully isn’t as banal as that kid who died in alaska. (i’d rather die in the american southwest, to be honest.)
this is all super fucking boring. part of what i hate about crisis is how fucking absolutely, mind-boggingly boring it is. and then you get into a trap of being like, this is boring as fuck, and everyone’s like yeah, and you’re just like yeah that’s what i just said. and people are like, actually i’m having second thoughts about you. and i’m like, i’m onto third and fourth thoughts, thank you very much.
and it’s incredibly fucking boring. crises aren’t all 9/11. you don’t always get the photos. my friends have died in hotel rooms. and they got some shit obituary in the local paper, and that’s it, and it’s wonderful because people will be able to read that shit forever because there are archivists and librarians. but that’s it. and fucking obituaries cost money. that some poor homeless fuck with a full and wonderful life will never have. but i guess that’s fucking okay or something.
i guess i don’t know anymore, dude. we’re completely fucked. no amount of #resistance is going to save us. no accelerationism is going to save us. it’s just the falling action. minus the hot people. and maybe this was a dick move, but i told this to a wonderful woman who’s been checking on me (to keep me alive) yesterday, and i was just like, i dunno man. you guys really fucked up. and this is someone i volunteer with, at like a church, and is a quaker, and is generally wonderful, and christ on a cracker, i wouldn’t trade her for the world. but fuck, man. just, when do you level with yourself, as a people, and a society, and on and on and on into nuclear war. when do you say, i could have done a little better.
which is boring and banal. because, duh, we all could do a lot better, and regret and literature and fables and so on. but really, most people don’t regret shit. i hardly regret anything, because i’m a narcissist, and i want to Say Something Important, and even when it’s saying it’s boring, that’s self-involved, and boring.
let’s be clear, you seem to have more faith in american institutions than i. i love that about you. the arc of history bends, and so on.
but we have a greater than 50% chance of really not making it out of this. but
i hope to see you soon