god bless america

donald trump gave a press conference today. it’s his first since the time over the summer when he was like, ‘yo russia, hack that bitch woman who i hate because i’m a misogynist,’ and russia was like, ‘dude we already did, chill,’ and trump went on to fucking win the goddamn election because this is all a computer simulation and the 12-year-old who’s got the wheel is just beginning puberty so buckle the fuck up motherfuckers, because before you know it jennie isn’t going to want to dance with him at the eighth-grade semi-formal dance, and then what? then you fucking know what, don’t give me that. 12-year-old jesus is going to say ‘fuck this game, i’ve been playing long enough maybe jennie will love me NOW’ and then he’ll bomb someone because That Will Show Them, and we’ll all die and jennie won’t be impressed and your mother only loves you because she has nothing better to do. and then the world will be destroyed but it’s possible — just — that we’re in a multiverse, or we’re the figments of someone’s imagination, and just what if the end isn’t the end. if we clamor for the afterlife for long enough, do we get a participation trophy?

probably not but it’s fun to think about. and the main reason it’s fun to think about is because all of the war and pestilence that my country is about to unleash is really way too much of a bummer for me to grasp. on our own citizens, on people around the world. i don’t know. how do you apologize to everyone at once for something you didn’t even do? i’m pretty good at apologizing. i’ve done it for most of my adult life, because being a fuck up who’s not out on the street requires it. but for this? i don’t even know. any apology i could make would be bullshit. so no. no. i’m not sorry. i’m horrified. this is the most disgusting thing i’ve ever seen.

i don’t currently have a job because i’m super depressed and i don’t really feel like looking and i’ve got a tiny bit of savings and a credit card so ‘weeeeeeeeee motherfucker, let’s see how far down this hole i can go,’ and so today i watched president barack obama’s farewell speech, which is available to stream on fine internet properties such as the youtube, etc., and i just i dunno. i mean, i love the guy. just seems like a fundamentally decent dude. and people are gonna be like, ‘oh well he droned motherfuckers,’ and i’m like, ‘no shit, dude. no shit.’ because yeah. no shit. no shit, dude. in this country, though, you’ve only got two choices. i picked obama twice and i’d pick him again and again and again if i could. it’s been said a lot, but it bears repeating: we didn’t know how good we had it.

obama said this, he said: ‘ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country,’ and i know somebody out there is gonna say, “AKCTCSHSSHUALLY JFK SAID THAT” and you’re right but i don’t give a shit. obama said it better. he spent the last ten minutes of his time with us imploring us to get involved.

which is kind of a weird thing. we take it for granted, but for lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of people, you can’t just get involved. you can’t just say, ‘fuck it i’m gonna call this person on my lunch break because i’m animated and their job depends on my support.’ you can’t fucking do that most places. you really fucking can’t. stop pretending that what we have here is at all guaranteed. stop pretending that your contrarianism, your privileged above-it-all-ness is something anyone in the opposition gives a fuck about protecting. they don’t. if there’s one thing this election has taught me, it’s that barry was right. democracy is fragile. this is no-fucking-around time.

(probably always has been, but i’m still learning)

the bible tells us a lot about trials and tribulations. job, jesus — the whole lot of them pretty much just suffered and died, and then people were like ‘that’s cool,’ and then other people were like ‘same,’ and then jesus and job got book deals and whatever. and that’s fine. that’s good. but the message of determinism is the message of freedom, and it suggests that we are bound to find our way out of this. and that if we don’t, that it’s better to die trying. it’s better to fail at finding freedom than to win at anything else.


2 responses to “god bless america

  1. Tom, you’re my friend, and so I’ll say that this reads like a mealt-down.

    While I agree that anxiety is an appropriate response, I have the obligation to remind you that sanity is the only effective and hopeful (thanks, Barack for hope) way to respond to an upside-down, bullshit, oh-my-god kind of crisis like the election of this hateful new president of our proud country.

    You, my friend of many years, are way too smart and creative to fall prey to the notion that this is the end. Also, you’re really bumming me out. “Enough!” I say. Let’s have a conversation about how institutions – even whole cities – around this country have declared themselves as sanctuaries to immigrants. Let’s talk about how tremendous groups of people in every major city have stepped out into the streets to say, ‘This is America! Screw that asshole! (To wit, healthcare and education and equal rights)!’

    God or Gaia or Vishnu or Walmart or whomever bless JFK.

    Hey Buddy, sorry about the joblessness and the depression. I believe that you will rise above it all. You’re that kind of guy. I want to believe that you’re that kind of guy. I depend on you being that kind of guy, because, despite our differences, you inspire me to be a better me. Live the awesomeness I imagine you to embody. Please. For my sake, if nothing else.

    Tell your mom ‘Hi’ for me. And, fuck that guy!


  2. Joe,

    You’re an amazing guy, you know that? I can’t believe that I was so fortunate to have met you when I answered your shitty Craigslist ad on my second day in Portland. We’ve shot BB guns in your backyard together. I’ve camped in your VW bus. I’ve slipped you cigarettes even though you’ve “quit.” You picked me up that time when I fell down in the park after a long night of drinking. You brought me home.

    I’m not going anywhere. I am indeed having a meltdown. I’ve got two jobs lined up, and I aim to fight and fight and fight. I appreciate your concern and — sorry that I just read this — I’ll tell my mom you say hi.

    Squeeze your babies extra hard for me when you see this. I love you.


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