The Tea Party (Or, The Crazy Brigade; Or, I See White People; Or, Fifteen Minutes With Sarah Palin)

So today I went to the Boston Tea Party.

Not, of course, the actual one.  Not The Boston Tea Party, the one that happened a long time ago and that people talk about in, like, history books, and stuff.  Not that one.  But this one had Sarah Palin, so it’s automatically better.


Today I went to that.  Here’s kind of how it went.

I’m all soaking up the crazy from the crazy brigade, trying to look like a neutral onlooker, but smirking too much to really play it straight.  The crazy brigade is cheering for Sarah Palin.  I’m all smirking, like, “Really?” and they’re all clapping, saying, “Darn tootin'” or “You betcha!” or whatever the fuck.  And so I’m like, “What the fuck, people?” but I don’t say anything because I’m just trying to absorb the madness.  It is boring, the madness is.  Though.  The madness is boring.  But the people really like Sarah Palin, and, wow–whoop–now it appears as though she’s finished her fifteen minute speech for which she was paid untold thousands of dollars, and is in fact leaving the stage…

What I’m saying:  Sarah Palin finishes giving her inane boilerplate speech, everyone starts clapping–mostly everyone–I move toward the security fence to try to get her autograph (her armored SUVs are right…there..)…but… She’s not biting because she has to see the media.  Funny that she ‘punned’ on the “lamestream media” in the speech, went directly to the press afterward, and ignored all the people that make her a news item.  Funny that.  Sort of makes you wonder, unless it doesn’t.

It doesn’t for all those true believers–like me–who watched her hop in her armored SUV, spin the wheels, and disappear.

I think where I was originally going, before I got dragged subconsciously into a point about how Sarah Palin-The-Populist should try to be more popular with the People by signing autographs instead of being a media whore… I think I was trying to point out the moment that she left the stage, and when the emcee had taken over microphone duties again, he immediately said something along the lines of the following:

“Hey, Boston, do you guys like Sarah Palin, or what?”

And everyone’s like, Of course, of course, next question, guy, or point, or whatever, clap, clap, clap.

So guy’s like, “I’ll say this to the left-wing out there:  Not only are our women smarter than yours, they’re also hotter than yours.”

YayYayYaying ensues.  A giant, “Oh, snap,” from a big group of large, rather unattrac…

And that’s when I look around, to assess the truth-value of the man’s claim–or, at least the second one.  Are Tea Party women really hotter than hippiesocialistliberalcommunist women, as he says?  Or is this a falsehood?  (I cannot, of course, assess the intellect of the various women by ogling them).  The Tea Party crowd in brief:  Mostly older than 26, my age, which is not young.  All white.  Really.  I mean, I know that I’ve been around brown people a lot lately, and that this could be skewing my perspective, but goddamn.  That whole fucking Tea Party was just shit tons of white people.  The only protest sign (protest as in, against the Tea Party) that actually made me laugh out loud (LOL?) said, “White People Are Angry!”  And wherever there was a black dude, he was getting interviewed by the press for their, “Hey, black guy, prove to us that this movement doesn’t have anything to do with racism by virtue of your involvement in it”-piece.  You know, balance.  Reporting the facts.

Anyway, all white people, over 26.

Anyway, why am I bothering to dance around it?  The Tea Party movement is filled with angry white people who are afraid of change, and justify their fear by resorting to historically bankrupt notions of the distant, and recent, American past in order to protest legislation they don’t fully understand in the name of concepts they only refer to out of convenience.  It is a marriage of ignorance and jargon.  Of newspeak and oblivion.  It is a movement based on willful disregard of the truth.

And for that I pity it.

And for that I note that its women do not live up to their reputed hotness viz. liberalcommunisthippiesocialist women.  The latter are prettier any day of the week.

But now I’m getting distracted.

So Sarah Palin’s gone, Tea Party women aren’t hotter than non-Tea Party women, and all is right with the world, minus the tea party, which is still going on.  I aim to get out.

“Excuse me, excuse me,” and I do in fact, and eventually, get out.  But I can’t quit the Tea Party because the Tea Party is still awesome.  Like this:

1) All the signs are accessible now.  You can take pictures of them.

2) There are counter-counter-protesters to the original counter-protesters, who were protesting the original original protesters, in this case the Tea Partiers.  So it’s, like, some meta-esque bullshit going on where the people who were protesting the government existing right now are protesting against the people who are protesting against them.  It’s complicated, and I’m not sure you understand.  Let’s try it with names.

Fred thinks Obamacare equals Armageddon.  He’s protesting.  Sally thinks Obamacare is fine and that Fred is wrong.  She’s protesting him while he protests.  Fred notices Sally and begins to protest her protesting him protesting Obamacare.  A battle of words ensues.


“No!  Unproductive!”

“I beg to differ, because Unproductive!”

And so on.

It’s entertaining, if nothing else.

3) There is no number three.


5 responses to “The Tea Party (Or, The Crazy Brigade; Or, I See White People; Or, Fifteen Minutes With Sarah Palin)

  1. Number three should have been a happy ending.

    It gives the reader a sense of purpose with which to begin his/her/its day.

  2. Bent on gettin' smarter in PDX

    Welcome home, Tom.
    I think your tea-partiers have been uglying-up Arizona of late.

    “It’s not about race,” they say, “we just hate brown people.”

  3. I just wanted to note that I’ve posted 4 times in the period since you last did. No judgment, but I could use a fresh dose of your shenanigans.

  4. Pingback: A Year In Review | Blogbytom

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